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Valentine's Day
I didn’t think twice when they told me what they wanted.
Not in a million years would I take that job. I wouldn’t get away without getting struck by one of those damn arrows. I never could.
The ladies were all dressed in black – which I assume they thought was perfect for a low-key meeting. (Which, in reality, is the perfect way to look suspicious… Four women all dressed in black? They’re either all witches or they’re up to something. Or both.) I was wearing my normal attire for an evening out. Jeans, white blouse, and ruby red snakeskin stiletto boots.
Hey, the best place to hide is out in the open where they least expect you to be.
I met them at a coffee shop in Athens where the waiter was tall, dark and handsome, with the added benefit that the only English word he knew was ‘lego’ and I assume he meant the toys and not that he wanted someone to let him go. He was inordinately proud that he knew that word, too. Apparently (from the little Greek I knew) some tourist had stopped by and showed him how to build Athena’s temple out of legos.
I tipped him well.
Anyway, the four ladies kept looking around like they thought they were being watched by Aphrodite, herself. I knew that Aphrodite was actually visiting my neighbor (the vampire who kept snowmen in his freezer) and that she was likely very busy at the moment. I didn’t have to tell the women that, though. I figured I’d keep them on their toes.
It was a good thirty minutes before they finally got down to what they wanted from me and it was another ten before I stopped laughing enough to even consider what they were offering.
No one attempts to assassinate Cupid and gets away with their pride, dignity and self-respect. And no one comes away without being stupidly in love with love for the rest of their lives. I wasn’t about to go up against those odds.
Not until they showed me a picture of my latest tragic crush, that is.
I knew that Cupid was behind all my disastrous one-sided love affairs and I felt it was high time for him to pay for the humiliation he’d put me through. I studied each of the poor, jaded girls in front of me and I seriously considered their plan. Then, of course, I discarded it and made up my own.
I wouldn’t be able to assassinate the annoying little cherub-man, but perhaps I could somehow humiliate him so he’d leave me and my new clients alone. No matter what, it was worth a shot.
I’d be the first to have revenge on Cupid.
I said goodbye to the women and made my way up to Athena’s temple, where I’d stashed a few supplies. I almost ran into some homeless people but I bypassed them by sticking in the shadows of the temple. It wouldn’t do to have anyone see where I was. Cupid would not be happy once I did what I set out to do and I didn’t need him chasing me down before I was ready for him.
I laid my trap carefully.
Cupid can’t resist a hopeless case (hence the number of times I was stuck with useless arrows) so I decided to set one up for him using my Handsome Greek Lego-Lover and his ex-girlfriend as bait. I’d wait for Cupid to show up to skewer the girl and I’d steal an arrow, skewering him instead.
Perfect plan.
I waited.
The HGL-L sat with his ex for a while and they kept up some strained conversation whilst I hid behind a gauzy, pink curtain. The owner of the coffee shop had a thing for Valentine’s Day. Luckily, I could use the decorations to my advantage.
I heard the door open and saw Cupid saunter in like he owned the world that day (which, he did, really, since he thrived on that schmoopy stuff and it, in turn, was created by him – a vicious cycle, to be sure). He gazed around the room, studying each pathetically goopy couple making lovey-dovey eyes at one another. (Personally, I just felt sick to my stomach the whole time, but hey, whatever. I just had a job to do and then I’d be on my way back to Russia.) Then he spied my HGL-L and his ex and I knew Cupid would take the bait.
There’s no avoiding a lovesick guy and the object of his addiction, who clearly doesn’t lovesick him back.
Cupid pulled out his bow and arrow and set the quiver of arrows on the ground within perfect reaching distance of me. I crept quietly out from behind the curtain and slid an arrow up and out of the quiver, holding it gingerly with the tip away from me. The last thing I needed was to poke myself with the damned thing.
I barely breathed.
The idea was to get Cupid right as he was looking at my HGL-L and that would be that (for a while – Cupid’s love potion doesn’t last forever, but it would be long enough to achieve the desired humiliation and cause Cupid to realize what a heel he was). I’d steal all the arrows and he’d beg to get them back ASAP and then he’d give in to what I wanted.
I grabbed the quiver.
I aimed the arrow.
I stood up. I stepped forward, holding the arrow out.
I stuck it in his side right as he turned to see me standing there.
I tried to stop the arrow once I noted the direction of his eyes. I tried to let go and duck – but it was too late. The arrow was dissipating and a look of love and lust glazed over Cupid’s eyes as he looked right at me.
I ran out of the coffee shop as fast as I could. But Cupid is faster than I am, I hate to say.
I ran all the way back to Athena’s temple, clutching the quiver full of love-poisoned arrows and Cupid kept pace with me. I tried to dodge him, but the thing about gods and demi-gods is that they can see farther and differently than everyone else. I had no chance.
I was out of breath and I had a stitch in my side, cramping like hell as I stopped outside the temple. He started shouting love poetry at me and he somehow conjured a harp so he could sing my praises. I blushed several times after he told me what his love would make him do to me – and I was not easily shocked by much (goes with the assassin/spy territory).
I spent the night trying to avoid him and he spent the night spouting schmoop. After walking for a while, I finally just sat down and endured the awful chatter of love. It made it more bearable once I started snapping each and every arrow in two and as the night wore on and I got sleepier, the effects of the arrow started wearing off. Cupid still couldn’t help but declare his undying love for me, but he was glaring and scowling as I broke his arrows.
Not that the quiver didn’t just keep refilling itself – but it annoyed Cupid to see his life’s work taken for granted in such a way.
It gave me some satisfaction.
By dawn, the love poems and songs were getting more and more vicious and there were long pauses in the romance diatribe. He started trying to get the quiver back from me, but I held out until the end.
My head hurt. My feet hurt. My ears hurt. I just wanted him to shut up. But I wouldn’t give him back his quiver until he swore that he would leave me and my clients alone forever.
He stamped his feet and turned bright red, but in the end, he acquiesced. He yelled at me a lot and told me that even though he loved me until his dying day, he hated me and wanted me to die.
The after-effects of the arrow are sometimes really unpleasant.
Valentine’s Day officially ended with sun-up and Cupid agreed to my demands. He said he’d be happy if he never saw me again. It was cruel and unusual punishment to endure the drivel he had to spew out at me all night.
I told him it wasn’t exactly a picnic for me, either.
He signed a contract that forbade him from coming near me or my clients for the period of 100 years and before I could even say the last cynical sarcastic remark I had prepared, Cupid had cursed me with finding the love of my life and still not being able to have him until that 100 years were over.
I shrugged and walked away, satisfied that I wouldn’t be chased by the Love Demon for quite some time.
It was the best of Valentine’s Days, it was the worst of Valentine’s Days.
All I know is: I got paid and I got through another LoveFest.
Not in a million years would I take that job. I wouldn’t get away without getting struck by one of those damn arrows. I never could.
The ladies were all dressed in black – which I assume they thought was perfect for a low-key meeting. (Which, in reality, is the perfect way to look suspicious… Four women all dressed in black? They’re either all witches or they’re up to something. Or both.) I was wearing my normal attire for an evening out. Jeans, white blouse, and ruby red snakeskin stiletto boots.
Hey, the best place to hide is out in the open where they least expect you to be.
I met them at a coffee shop in Athens where the waiter was tall, dark and handsome, with the added benefit that the only English word he knew was ‘lego’ and I assume he meant the toys and not that he wanted someone to let him go. He was inordinately proud that he knew that word, too. Apparently (from the little Greek I knew) some tourist had stopped by and showed him how to build Athena’s temple out of legos.
I tipped him well.
Anyway, the four ladies kept looking around like they thought they were being watched by Aphrodite, herself. I knew that Aphrodite was actually visiting my neighbor (the vampire who kept snowmen in his freezer) and that she was likely very busy at the moment. I didn’t have to tell the women that, though. I figured I’d keep them on their toes.
It was a good thirty minutes before they finally got down to what they wanted from me and it was another ten before I stopped laughing enough to even consider what they were offering.
No one attempts to assassinate Cupid and gets away with their pride, dignity and self-respect. And no one comes away without being stupidly in love with love for the rest of their lives. I wasn’t about to go up against those odds.
Not until they showed me a picture of my latest tragic crush, that is.
I knew that Cupid was behind all my disastrous one-sided love affairs and I felt it was high time for him to pay for the humiliation he’d put me through. I studied each of the poor, jaded girls in front of me and I seriously considered their plan. Then, of course, I discarded it and made up my own.
I wouldn’t be able to assassinate the annoying little cherub-man, but perhaps I could somehow humiliate him so he’d leave me and my new clients alone. No matter what, it was worth a shot.
I’d be the first to have revenge on Cupid.
I said goodbye to the women and made my way up to Athena’s temple, where I’d stashed a few supplies. I almost ran into some homeless people but I bypassed them by sticking in the shadows of the temple. It wouldn’t do to have anyone see where I was. Cupid would not be happy once I did what I set out to do and I didn’t need him chasing me down before I was ready for him.
I laid my trap carefully.
Cupid can’t resist a hopeless case (hence the number of times I was stuck with useless arrows) so I decided to set one up for him using my Handsome Greek Lego-Lover and his ex-girlfriend as bait. I’d wait for Cupid to show up to skewer the girl and I’d steal an arrow, skewering him instead.
Perfect plan.
I waited.
The HGL-L sat with his ex for a while and they kept up some strained conversation whilst I hid behind a gauzy, pink curtain. The owner of the coffee shop had a thing for Valentine’s Day. Luckily, I could use the decorations to my advantage.
I heard the door open and saw Cupid saunter in like he owned the world that day (which, he did, really, since he thrived on that schmoopy stuff and it, in turn, was created by him – a vicious cycle, to be sure). He gazed around the room, studying each pathetically goopy couple making lovey-dovey eyes at one another. (Personally, I just felt sick to my stomach the whole time, but hey, whatever. I just had a job to do and then I’d be on my way back to Russia.) Then he spied my HGL-L and his ex and I knew Cupid would take the bait.
There’s no avoiding a lovesick guy and the object of his addiction, who clearly doesn’t lovesick him back.
Cupid pulled out his bow and arrow and set the quiver of arrows on the ground within perfect reaching distance of me. I crept quietly out from behind the curtain and slid an arrow up and out of the quiver, holding it gingerly with the tip away from me. The last thing I needed was to poke myself with the damned thing.
I barely breathed.
The idea was to get Cupid right as he was looking at my HGL-L and that would be that (for a while – Cupid’s love potion doesn’t last forever, but it would be long enough to achieve the desired humiliation and cause Cupid to realize what a heel he was). I’d steal all the arrows and he’d beg to get them back ASAP and then he’d give in to what I wanted.
I grabbed the quiver.
I aimed the arrow.
I stood up. I stepped forward, holding the arrow out.
I stuck it in his side right as he turned to see me standing there.
I tried to stop the arrow once I noted the direction of his eyes. I tried to let go and duck – but it was too late. The arrow was dissipating and a look of love and lust glazed over Cupid’s eyes as he looked right at me.
I ran out of the coffee shop as fast as I could. But Cupid is faster than I am, I hate to say.
I ran all the way back to Athena’s temple, clutching the quiver full of love-poisoned arrows and Cupid kept pace with me. I tried to dodge him, but the thing about gods and demi-gods is that they can see farther and differently than everyone else. I had no chance.
I was out of breath and I had a stitch in my side, cramping like hell as I stopped outside the temple. He started shouting love poetry at me and he somehow conjured a harp so he could sing my praises. I blushed several times after he told me what his love would make him do to me – and I was not easily shocked by much (goes with the assassin/spy territory).
I spent the night trying to avoid him and he spent the night spouting schmoop. After walking for a while, I finally just sat down and endured the awful chatter of love. It made it more bearable once I started snapping each and every arrow in two and as the night wore on and I got sleepier, the effects of the arrow started wearing off. Cupid still couldn’t help but declare his undying love for me, but he was glaring and scowling as I broke his arrows.
Not that the quiver didn’t just keep refilling itself – but it annoyed Cupid to see his life’s work taken for granted in such a way.
It gave me some satisfaction.
By dawn, the love poems and songs were getting more and more vicious and there were long pauses in the romance diatribe. He started trying to get the quiver back from me, but I held out until the end.
My head hurt. My feet hurt. My ears hurt. I just wanted him to shut up. But I wouldn’t give him back his quiver until he swore that he would leave me and my clients alone forever.
He stamped his feet and turned bright red, but in the end, he acquiesced. He yelled at me a lot and told me that even though he loved me until his dying day, he hated me and wanted me to die.
The after-effects of the arrow are sometimes really unpleasant.
Valentine’s Day officially ended with sun-up and Cupid agreed to my demands. He said he’d be happy if he never saw me again. It was cruel and unusual punishment to endure the drivel he had to spew out at me all night.
I told him it wasn’t exactly a picnic for me, either.
He signed a contract that forbade him from coming near me or my clients for the period of 100 years and before I could even say the last cynical sarcastic remark I had prepared, Cupid had cursed me with finding the love of my life and still not being able to have him until that 100 years were over.
I shrugged and walked away, satisfied that I wouldn’t be chased by the Love Demon for quite some time.
It was the best of Valentine’s Days, it was the worst of Valentine’s Days.
All I know is: I got paid and I got through another LoveFest.
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, Jan 7 2008, 11:35 PM EST
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